Sunday Reflections

Yesterday was a day that I felt so alone. And I was bitterly reminded that you can rely only on yourself in every breath that we take.

Something happened that made me sad yesterday. Ashamedly, I cried. When it comes to matters close to the heart, the damp will always break and the water will pour out non-stop even hours after the incident, even I was laughing heartily hours after. I needed someone to talk to, to share my... ehem.. misery, but there was no one. It was so... sad. And I consoled myself the only way I know how. Read. And lost myself in that state of imaginary, fill with bliss and laughter.

Books are the sure way for me to calm down. Decrease the heart beat rate, slowing down the breathing, and see things clearly. Many a time, I would stop from my reading, and reflect. The things I did, the things I said, my actions and so forth. It has nothing to do with what I am reading. Yesterday, I was reading Nora Roberts's Heaven and Earth.

There will always be that kid in us, longing for acceptance and acknowledgement. Fill with frustration when our efforts go to dust. And disappointment when we're misunderstood. There's nothing adult about that. It's childish. But it is also a reality. And it is scary.

Yesterday, on top of feeling sad, I felt lonely. I was in what we would say, a pathetic state, of being, of mind. Looking back, it did not sit well with me. Puffy eyes, sore throats. I looked so not me. I kept on telling myself that I'm stronger and this should not break me. That I would be able to move on and this should not affect me too much. I tried to be optimistic, thinking positively and looking at the bright side. I tried to accept the fact that, however close you are with your friends, there would be times, when you'd be left alone to fend yourself. And it takes courage and strength to move on. It takes a clear state of mind to accept that bitter truth, and not being affected mortally because of it. It's just... life.

I have this... urmm... not-so-good characteristic. God knows I have loads of flaw, but this one thing... I tend to take something as a personal failure when things don't work out as I expect it to. Sounds common, isn't it? But to me, it's something that hurt my self-esteem. It sort of shake my foundation that I built all along.

I am better though today. And I expect to be much better after this. Thing is, small little happenings tend to affect you more than bigger things. Because, most of the time, the small little things are the most important ones. Hmm.. that's a thought. I do not know where that came from. But probably, it's right.