Saturday evening in the office...
Too many people that I know in real life know about this blog. Well, maybe not too many, but still, a lot. At times, I'm reminded to take care of what I say here, for I fear their perception of me would change. But then, I whacked myself and realised that this is my blog, I can say what I want to say, and if other people don't agree, they can say so, or, they can just leave. But will that affect the friendship that has been forged before this? I sure hope not. Because if it does, then, they have been deluding themselves all this while for an image of me that they perceived they know. This is I, myself. And if you really want to get to know me, this is one of the ways.
I am not that interesting in person. I'm just plain ol' Jane. Nothing special. But I care about friendship. And should any of my friends who are reading this that don't feel I care, let me know, so I might tell you that I'm not neglecting you, I'm just not good at expressing how I feel. I see now, my biggest fear. I fear by letting people know my true feelings, I might lost them forever. I love, oh, how I do. But I don't say it out loud much, because I would feel vulnerable. And that scares me most. When I'm vulnerable, it's easy to be hurt. Thus, I act as if I don't care. As if it does not matter. But the truth is, I might be crying inside.
I have come to a point where letting my deepest feelings known might not be a good idea. Most of the times it comes with obligation, and the affected party would feel obligated. That's not right. Ergo, I rather things happen naturally. If it happens, it happens. When it comes, it comes. There is no rush. No, there is no one that tugs my heart in that way. There hasn't be any for quite some time. The last time it happened, I was cheated. Such is life.
Oh, there are those who are close with me. And I care for them. Sometimes, I might care more than I should, and I pull myself back because I know circumstances won't allow me.. us to go further. Actually, nothing is certain in this world. You might feel you're going somewhere, but the other might be leading some place else. You might think it's not going to work out, at the end of the day the knot is tighter than yesterday. So, nothing is certain, except the certainty itself, if there is such thing. Everything changes, even change itself evolves.
Funny how our hearts plays our mind, and we end up feel like a fool. A loser. But the mind has to be stronger. For we will always want that thing that we cannot get, and take for granted for the things that we already have or within our grasps. Such is human nature. And it's difficult, probably impossible, to change that. We can never be satisfied. This hunger to have everything and absolute perfection. The race to achieve and getting all within a specific timeline.
Did we ever stop and think, what happens after that? What happens after we get that guy, that girl, that house, the car, the job, the money, the jet-set life, the everything, in that targeted time. And then? We... die?
The joy lies in the journey, not the destination. For when you reach the end, there is nothing more after that. So, what if the journey is longer, on that old path which everyone avoids, because everyone is using the highway? What's wrong with that? Chances are, we get more out of our lives than those who used the highway. And I'm optimistic of that.
So, I am still single, have not bought a house, am driving a small car, earning just enough to get through the month. So, am I losing out on anything? That husband maybe? Or the baby? Or that nice red beemer (he he he)? Probably. But, I shall rejoice every moment that I have now, for this might be the best times of my life. For when I DO get that husband, the baby and the beemer (not necessarily in that order, BUT of course the baby has to come after the husband), what I have now is just a memory. And I would long for them, as I'm now longing to be a carefree student again...
Thus, lesson for the day. Each day is a blessing. Live today to the fullest, take yesterday as a lesson, and be eager for tomorrow.
p/s: stop worrying
I am not that interesting in person. I'm just plain ol' Jane. Nothing special. But I care about friendship. And should any of my friends who are reading this that don't feel I care, let me know, so I might tell you that I'm not neglecting you, I'm just not good at expressing how I feel. I see now, my biggest fear. I fear by letting people know my true feelings, I might lost them forever. I love, oh, how I do. But I don't say it out loud much, because I would feel vulnerable. And that scares me most. When I'm vulnerable, it's easy to be hurt. Thus, I act as if I don't care. As if it does not matter. But the truth is, I might be crying inside.
I have come to a point where letting my deepest feelings known might not be a good idea. Most of the times it comes with obligation, and the affected party would feel obligated. That's not right. Ergo, I rather things happen naturally. If it happens, it happens. When it comes, it comes. There is no rush. No, there is no one that tugs my heart in that way. There hasn't be any for quite some time. The last time it happened, I was cheated. Such is life.
Oh, there are those who are close with me. And I care for them. Sometimes, I might care more than I should, and I pull myself back because I know circumstances won't allow me.. us to go further. Actually, nothing is certain in this world. You might feel you're going somewhere, but the other might be leading some place else. You might think it's not going to work out, at the end of the day the knot is tighter than yesterday. So, nothing is certain, except the certainty itself, if there is such thing. Everything changes, even change itself evolves.
Funny how our hearts plays our mind, and we end up feel like a fool. A loser. But the mind has to be stronger. For we will always want that thing that we cannot get, and take for granted for the things that we already have or within our grasps. Such is human nature. And it's difficult, probably impossible, to change that. We can never be satisfied. This hunger to have everything and absolute perfection. The race to achieve and getting all within a specific timeline.
Did we ever stop and think, what happens after that? What happens after we get that guy, that girl, that house, the car, the job, the money, the jet-set life, the everything, in that targeted time. And then? We... die?
The joy lies in the journey, not the destination. For when you reach the end, there is nothing more after that. So, what if the journey is longer, on that old path which everyone avoids, because everyone is using the highway? What's wrong with that? Chances are, we get more out of our lives than those who used the highway. And I'm optimistic of that.
So, I am still single, have not bought a house, am driving a small car, earning just enough to get through the month. So, am I losing out on anything? That husband maybe? Or the baby? Or that nice red beemer (he he he)? Probably. But, I shall rejoice every moment that I have now, for this might be the best times of my life. For when I DO get that husband, the baby and the beemer (not necessarily in that order, BUT of course the baby has to come after the husband), what I have now is just a memory. And I would long for them, as I'm now longing to be a carefree student again...
Thus, lesson for the day. Each day is a blessing. Live today to the fullest, take yesterday as a lesson, and be eager for tomorrow.
p/s: stop worrying
posted by Hajar | 8:07:00 PM
2 Comments:
u've gotten the point right jadey.
live life to the fullest. take each day one at a time.
sometimes kalau pasal cinta nih, the journey can be so long, or it also can be a lifelong journey, like a marriage. and then if u dont get the right guy, u start all over again with another.
and the heart gets torn apart and then u will have to heal it...in time.
very nicely written.
i might wanna add more to ur p/s part...dont worry be happy :)
ely: yes, definitely be happy! ;-)
narfy: it's a new journey yes, not many realises that though.. AND telling yourself is one thing, but u need to believe that you will. ;-)
ml: yups! no regrets!
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